if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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