im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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