I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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