I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
