11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
