You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
