Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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