nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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