saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
