also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
sex in a hospital.. check
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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