There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
