I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
