i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I want her autograph on my taint
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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