my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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