Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
