I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
