Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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