My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
