I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
