just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
