Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
