whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
