i used baking grease as lip gloss
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
