Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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