when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
