I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
