My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
