You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
