you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
