I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Randomize
