i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
