I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
