I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
