im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
