peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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