Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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