his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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