I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
