During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
