Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
