Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
