she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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