Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
