i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
NoShamevember. You game?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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