I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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