I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
