my vag is so smooth its legendary
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
