She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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