just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Randomize
