No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
