you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
