I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
