I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
