Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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