just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
