you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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