i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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