So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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